How To Overcome Jealousy
Jealousy, something we are all familiar with. Proverbs 27:4 For says “anger is cruel and fury overwhelming but who can stand before jealousy?” We have all been angry, and we have all had fury in our lives. Yet, jealousy seems to be a feeling that completely takes us over. It can have the power to turn us into someone we just do not want to be, destroying relationships that are meant to flourish. What generally creates this envy in us? Usually it is comparison.
Do you ever notice how content we are until we see what someone else has? The number one thief of joy, I would argue, is to compare. Proverbs 14:30 says “a heart at peace gives life to the body but envy rots the bones.” Job 5:2 says “resentment kills a fool and envy slays the simple.” Envy and resentment will literally destroy us. Let’s be real. I am telling us not to envy, but you can very well ask me, “why not envy?” Someone may have something we desire and that desire, may not necessarily even be bad. Also, what if someone has something you worked hard for, and you may even argue that you worked harder for it than this individual. Maybe it is a position on the team, a spot at a school you applied for, a position at work, or someone took a relationship that you desired, whether it be romantic, friendship, sibling or parent relationship, the list goes on. There may be times you ask yourself, “why not me?”
Galatians 5:26 says “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” Envy is powerful, and it is hard to combat once we are there. The key is, we have to catch it ahead of time. The question remains as to how? If Galatians 6:4 says we should take pride without comparing, how do we accomplish this? The answer is contentment, prayer, and trusting God’s specific design for our own lives. Hebrews 13:5 says “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said, Never will I leave you and never will I forsake you.” God has given you all you need and if you have desired something that is not yours, hear this. If you have desired something that is not yours, the answer is either that Jesus knows what you desire will not fulfill you the way you think it will, or maybe his answer is simply just not yet.
When we envy, we are telling God we do not trust him to meet our needs. The only time I believe we have permission to “compare ourselves to others” is only if you are using someone else as encouragement, or as a role model to achieve similar goals you may have, or to work in the same way they did in order to help achieve these goals. However, this comparison should never lead you to want to be someone else as God literally hand designed you since the beginning of time with a purpose and task only you can fulfill. God only has one you. Philippians 4:19 says “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
When we look up to others as encouragement or a role model, it can actually lead us to turn our jealousy into appreciation. It is okay to want that spot on the team, to want those grades, to want a relationship, but do not want it simply because others have it or because you want to be them. Use their example to work hard in the direction God desires to take you, as opposed to just working in their direction. James 3:13-16 says “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual and demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”
I was very convicted when I realized envy is actually demonic in nature. James is not saying because we envy that we are demonic, but that there is some serious spiritual warfare going on when we have these feelings of envy. If you look at it from this perspective, you will be more likely to recognize these feelings and be able to better equip yourself to fight back. The enemy’s temptations usually begin really subtle, then they turn into devastation. Jealousy usually begins in the heart and before you know it, you do not want to be friends with others that you are jealous of and it destroys those relationships. He may trick you into thinking that it is okay to have those feelings of jealousy because you deserve what they have. The next thing you know, he’s attempting to pull apart every relationship that’s close to you, your friends, your spouse, your teammates, your coworkers. He can trick you to think they are against you out of your envy. It can lead to false scenarios in our head that only destroys the relationships. Honestly, destruction of relationships is all that ever comes out of envy if you think about.
The amazing thing is God not only supplies our needs, and the needs of the individual we may be jealous of, but God also desires to use the way he supplies both of our needs to build one another up in community. An example in my own life is I have envied when my friends have found other friends, I am sure we have all been there. The funny thing is I can honestly tell you every single time I have grown to treasure the added relationship with the new friends I found, since my original friends brought them into my life. My fear was always fixated on losing my current friend, when God was just trying to add another awesome relationship into my life.
The same goes when you pre-judge a person or relationship. When I was in middle school everyone told me, I need to watch out for this one teacher I was going to have. She ended up being one of my favorite teachers of all time. You can miss out on some pretty incredible relationships if you judge or envy people ahead of time. I cannot begin to tell you how upsetting it is, once you get to know somebody and you’ve had those false feelings toward them, how guilty you feel. You wish you would have been friends or closer with them sooner.
Think, someone is probably even jealous or envious of you without you even realizing it! While here you are, envious of someone else. It is a vicious cycle. I have always been competitive in general my entire life, school for grades, class president, prom queen and sports. Even when I would work really hard and accomplish these tasks, I would always catch myself envying and always wanting more, no matter what I accomplished. This is the danger as human beings, we always want more, no matter what we have. We are always going to want more until we realize everything we want is in Christ in His provision. How does God provide? Deuteronomy 2:7 says, “The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything.”
Okay, we know God provides, but yet, sometimes we still have these feelings of envy, right? So when we do, and we all do, this is why I encourage you to pray. I encourage you to thank God for what you have. When I begin to envy and get jealous, I try my best to immediately pray that God takes those feelings away and to help me stay focused on Him at the cross. You know what else helps? For me is to pray for the person I’m jealous of. All right, hear me out. I hope I didn’t just lose you. It is especially important to pray for the person you are jealous of when it’s a good friend of yours or a family member that you really do not want to lose that relationship. Even though those feelings of envy can be so strong…I mean…really strong. Deep feelings of envy such as a friend or a family member getting in the way of a relationship you desired, your friends having kids and you’re unable to, friends getting married and you are not there yet, people getting the grades you want and getting into that school that has been your dream. Listen, if you pray God gives you a genuine heart of love toward them, He can change your heart to be happy with them as if you are accomplishing these tasks and these feats. Dare I even say, in my own life He has even used other people accomplishing the dreams I wish I could to heal me, such as standing up in my friends weddings when you haven’t had your own. I honestly wish I had the words to explain how this is logical, but that is the beauty of Jesus. It is not the logic that heals you, but the faith and power He provides.
I know this concept sounds crazy, but I can tell you from personal experience it works. Do I naturally desire to have kids? Yes. When my friends are having kids, does the enemy try to naturally tempt me to become jealous? To look at them and ask myself, “Don’t you want that?” Of course he will and of course I do. However, I am active about these feelings in prayer. I ask God to help me love my friends kids as my own and you guys, He seriously answers. It takes persistence in many areas of our lives. Remember, it is ok to have these healthy desires such as wanting kids, wanting that relationship, to get into that school or get that job. The difference is we do not want to add a comparison because that is from the enemy, not from God.
The answer and the key to a change of heart with envy is prayer, praying for that genuine love and appreciation of others because when you genuinely love someone, you begin to become just as excited and full of joy when they have accomplishments as when you yourself do. Even though I encourage us to pray when the feelings arise and the moment it starts, it has to start ahead of time. Ask God to grant us His view of others, His view of us, His view of the world and how he desires his kingdom to come. What He gifts all of us, and what is going to bring His kingdom to come is going to end up benefiting each and every one of us.
Lastly, how do we achieve such a genuine love? 1 John 3:16-18 says “This is how we know what love is, Christ Jesus lay down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need, but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” It always comes back to the cross. If you keep your thoughts fixated on the individual and the envy, that bitterness is going to creep in.
In order to fight envy, it comes back to love. What is love? How do we love? As Christ died for us, we ought to do the same for others. Love is action. Words of Affirmation are beautiful, they are great, but if we tell someone we love them without the action, the truth is not being expressed through us. How do we love others when these feelings of envy can just be so strong? In prayer to God to take away these feelings that just so easily come to every single one of us. You’re not alone if you struggle with envy, and I am here to let you know there is hope. Lean into this hope today.
