How To Forgive
Ephesians 4:31-32 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” Easier said than done, right? You may be thinking there are some people you can never forgive. What if I were to tell you forgiveness is a choice. How do we forgive? How do we make that choice? Where do we even start when others have truly hurt us or wronged us? It starts with an honest view of ourselves. Once we recognize the wrong we have done, that God has chosen to forgive us, we realize we, too, are guilty; but because of grace, we are clean….and so is the person that’s hurt us. The least we can do is the same for others.
We can forgive because we are forgiven, and we know what it feels like. What helps me to be more patient with others is to remember who the enemy is, and remembering I do not deserve forgiveness myself. The enemy is Satan, it is not each other. Each of us has our own sin and ways that we, too, have hurt others; yet God has forgiven us. God loves you, but we need to remember he also loves the people that hurt us as well. Jesus gets upset when others hurt us, but he reminds us that we, too, have hurt others and He continues to love us. This is why he had to die. He wanted justice to be served for all sins, bringing us all together in unity. Once we realize how much tolerance God has for us, our tolerance will begin to grow for others.
There is no better feeling than being around someone who knows you messed up, knows everything about you, yet forgives and loves you unconditionally. This is how Jesus looks at you. Who are we supposed to mimic? Jesus. Who is full of grace more than anyone? Jesus. He cuts us slack all the time. Paul says in 2 Timothy 1:16-17 “May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me.” How amazing would it be if we did the same for others. Not only forgiving them and not being ashamed of their chains, but searching hard for their heart behind the hurt that they have caused.
Now, maybe some of us feel that we do not have bitterness against or have never thought wrongly toward anyone, but according to Ecclesiastes 7:22, if we feel this way, we are deceiving ourselves as it says “For you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.” If we have bitterness and have cursed others, what is the answer? Leviticus 19:18 says “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” Quoting a verse from Leviticus?! Crazy, I know but hey, the more you read it, it’s a good one with an exact purpose to the whole story!
It is hard to get annoyed with others when you love them, but it is super easy to get annoyed with others when there is no love. Even if someone treats you horribly it helps me to remember they are still an image bearer of our God just as we are. We are not their judge, God is and when we gossip about others, we are putting ourselves above someone else. A specific example from Scripture was King Saul who was delivered into David’s hands. David refused to kill him because he said that Saul belonged to God. According to 1 Samuel 24:10, Saul was shocked by David’s refusal to kill him when he had the chance because Saul was originally trying to kill David! In 1 Samuel 24:19-20, Saul says, “When a man finds his enemy, does he let him go away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today. I know you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands.”
David relented realizing that Saul belongs to God. He shows us God has created each individual, keeping us from the revenge we desire. Matthew 18:30-35 says who are we to not cancel the debt of our neighbor as God has canceled all the debt from our sin? One of the ultimate ways you can glorify God in any relationship is to show grace. Grace is what draws people to the love of Christ. One of my best friends Karissa once said she wants her life to be marked by how she shows grace. That has really stuck with me, and I have decided to try to make that a mark on my life too. I once heard someone say they wanted to know Jesus just by the way they saw bitterness released through a relationship with Him. Is it easy? No, and you cannot do it on your own. Only through God’s power which He will give you, because it is what He calls us to do. When God calls us to do anything, in this case forgiveness, you better believe he is going to give you the strength and ability to do it. It is who He is and in his very nature.
When I have held someone’s wrong against them, it destroys me and makes me so bitter. I am a completely different person and my heart becomes hardened. God promises if I come to Him or if any of us come to him, He is going to give us a new heart. Ezekiel 36:26-27 says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Only God can shatter our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh toward others who have deeply hurt us. I am talking as deep as it comes. I want to emphasize forgiveness does not eliminate the hurt, but it illuminates God’s power.
Isaiah 58:9-10 says “if you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.” We will be like a light in the darkness when we take accountability when we when we mess up and eliminate pointing fingers. This is good to remember when we have conflict or confrontation with others. Most people do not like conflict, but there is a way to handle it.
James 1:13-14 says “when tempted no one should say God is tempting me, for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone. But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.” God always gives us a way out when we are tempted to act out in anger. Others cannot make us sin aka no one can “make you mad” even though I know it sure seems like it. If someone ever “makes” you do anything, you are giving them a power they don’t actually possess in the first place.
Ephesians 4:25-27 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” The good ol’ saying of “don’t go to bed angry” is actually a verse in the Bible. You are giving Satan a foothold in your relationships if you go to bed angry. Many may think by giving a situation time it will just go away. In reality, you are just harvesting and pushing down bitterness that will eventually come to the surface. I am not saying by any means to react quickly before you go to bed in your anger. Sometimes we do need some time to cool down, but, immediately pray how God would want you to handle your anger in that moment, and pray for how he would like you to feel toward that individual. It is not easy. I have made wrong decisions while angry, which is why I am sharing this so you can make the right ones and I can moving forward. I have also been physically angry during sports, particularly with basketball (those who know, know). I have pushed girls back…not obviously….but just a little passive aggressively. Let me tell you, it only leads to a fat lip and getting fouled out of a game.
Having patience when you are angry helps you to make the best decision. We all get angry, as it is a normal human emotion. We handle our anger with the fruit of the Spirit, specifically self-control. An example is from John 2:14-25, where the religious leaders turn Jesus’s temple of prayer into a den of robbers and a market. Jesus was rightfully angry. Naturally, Him being God, His anger is justified. Did Jesus ever sin? Of course not. It shows feeling anger is not a sin. However, it is how we handle our anger that can lead to sin. When we are angry, pray even though you won’t want to. It will be the most challenging thing you do at first, but once it becomes a habit, we start to develop self-control. Even if it is a super short, under your breath prayer, I highly encourage you to do it. God will show you what to do. God does not expect us to know what to do all the time, or how to handle every confrontation. What he does expect is that we ask him and we come to Him.
How do we respond to others when we are angry and in conflict? Proverbs 25:15 says, “Through patience, a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”
Not only the words we say, but in the tone we say them. I feel tone makes all the difference. Ecclesiastes 9:17 says “the quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” In natural human nature, we tend to let our anger lead us to sin. This is why God warns against harvesting and living in anger as a lifestyle as opposed to just the natural human emotion we get. Proverbs 29:11 says “fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” You will feel rage but do not give into the impulses it brings. If you are patient, you can calm others in the midst of the anger. Proverbs 15:18 says, “a hot tempered person stirs up conflict, but one who is patient calms a quarrel.” Patience seems to be the key to calming tension when it builds. Proverbs 29:22 says, “an angry person stirs up conflict and a hot tempered person commits many sins,” as well as Proverbs 26:19 which says, “like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!” Many will say a joke out of anger or being passive aggressive, but God here is saying it only brings hurt.
James 1:19-22 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the Word planted in you which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves do what it says.” Oof, I need to work on the “slow to speak” and “quick to listen.” When we are angry, this is saying we will not produce the same justice in our anger as God does in His. Instead we are to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. How can we control our anger? In Grad school for occupational therapy, and as I studied for my certified hand therapy exam, I learned we have two parts of our brains, the amygdala and the limbic system which are responsible for our emotions. God created our brain and would not give us these commands if they were out of our control. I learned that it takes practice of self-control and continual prayer to dictate how these parts of the brain will react.
James 1:25 says, “But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it, not forgetting what they have heard but doing it, they will be blessed in what they do.” Proverbs 18:13 says “to answer before listening, that is folly and shame.” Anyone who knows me knows this is something I do need to continually work on. I do not always interrupt out of bad intentions, but I tend to interrupt when I get really excited to talk to someone or talk about something I am passionate about. However, I also find it difficult to keep quiet when I feel I am being blamed for something I did not do or I feel the need to defend myself. What helps me to be quick to listen and slow to anger is to remember Jesus was crucified for a crime He never committed. Luke 23:24 shows us Jesus’s response to others when He was persecuted and being crucified, reading “Father forgive them. They know not what they’re doing.”
How to respond is found in Proverbs 15:1 which says “a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Most of the time in a confrontation, it is not what you say but how you say it. Say what you need to in truth and with a gentle tone. When we are upset, think how much angrier you get when someone continues to shout at you. Now think when someone responds with love and gentleness. Our walls are much more likely to come down. I had a patient who would always come in so angry. Even though it is very tempting to talk back to people in the same tone they are talking to you, I would try to ask how he was feeling throughout the session in a cheerful voice. At the end of every session, he would apologize for being so angry every time. It calms people when they know you love them, and when they sense that you have that care for them. My mom also had a patient once who was so angry about a bill he had received as she works at the front desk at a clinic. Come to know it was one of my favorite teachers. Once he realized it was my mom, his entire demeanor changed. It goes to show relationship can change other’s demeanor, and you can build relationship in the midst of a confrontation only with God’s help.
Now you may be saying “Lex, you don’t understand how bad this individual has hurt me when comes to forgiveness.” Remember, when you forgive, you are not justifying the actions of your oppressor. You are simply understanding the truth that we are not the judge. We are leaving the judgment in the hands of our Father who loves us, remembering that we, too, deserve punishment because we have sinned and hurt others. We are to love others as ourselves. We tend to show ourselves more grace and we tend to justify our own actions, and then simply put blame on others. Someone has probably said to God about me, “God you do not understand how much Lexi has hurt me.” I am so grateful that God has forgiven me and I pray anyone who would say this has, too. People need to be forgiven because of what Christ has done for every single one of us, not because our sin deserves forgiveness. This is the very essence of grace which leads to love.
When we genuinely love others, we desire to forgive and show them grace. Proverbs 14:29 says “a patient man has great understanding but a quick tempered man displays folly.” Patience develops wisdom. Wisdom leads to understanding which can help lead us to a genuine love toward others and a desire to forgive. Proverbs 17:27 says, “and whoever has understanding is even tempered.” Once we recognize our own shortcomings, it helps us to stay even keel with others. When we are prideful, and we think we are better, we tend to look down and become more easily angered. 2 Timothy 2:23-26 says “don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know that they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil.” Who is the actual enemy as seen here? Satan, the devil. Not each other.
Proverbs 18:1 also says “an unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels” When we are friendly, you are in pursuit of the best interest of others. The opposite of this is trying to start quarrels with others. Do not try to make conflict. Naturally being in this broken world, it will happen and there is a way to handle it, but don’t go searching for it. God tells us to be kind to everyone, even in conflict where it is necessary something needs to be addressed. Being open to being taught and gently instructing when you have a conflict is key. We are to look at people who are fighting us on matters of faith, as lost sheep, not the enemy. We are to help them, knowing the devil has tricked them, in order to lead them back to God’s way.
I understand there are times you may feel people are just flat out not healthy to be around. I completely respect the different opinions on this, as I know we all have our own convictions from God. For me personally, I would never want to isolate or cut anyone out of my life because if that were the case, there were times Jesus should have cut me out of His for how I’ve treated Him or other people when I have hurt them. I am just so grateful for His grace and their grace, and that they did not push me away. I am not commanding by any means, but something to ponder on. I have heard people say they need to cut others out because they are toxic. The hard part I struggle with this is we have all been toxic at some point since we have all sinned, and sin, in and of itself, is toxic. Can there be healthy boundaries? Of course. I just personally, on my own conviction, would never want to completely cut out somebody or isolate them. The goal is to love like Jesus, I am just so grateful He has not isolated or cut me out regardless of my sin.
This leads me into the concept of forgiveness vs. reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 says “All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us a ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” As far as it depends on us, we should always seek reconciliation. However, let’s be honest, I have found it takes two, the hard way. I have realized I cannot force people to reconcile with me if they do not want to. If the other party refuses to reconcile, do not continue in the quarrels and pray for them. Still love on them, as praying for others is one of the best ways to love people, and to release the situation into God’s hands, as that is the best place for it to be. My deep desire is to be reconciled with everyone, because I feel that is what Jesus wants us to do, but sometimes in my life others are just not interested. This is where I need to give Him control. This is where my sinful nature of wanting to take control of situations tends to come out. Maybe you’ve already been in multiple confrontations and now are wondering how to reconcile. Here is a little nifty trick that I’ve tried that I think has had really good results. Proverbs 21:14 says, “a gift given in secret soothes anger.” Who better to take advice on how to soothe anger than from the creator Himself?!
The perfect example of how God calls us to treat our enemies is in the story of Joseph. I absolutely love this story. He gives us the perfect example of not only how to forgive our enemies, but how to reconcile with, embrace and love them! For those who do not know the story of Joseph, it is located in the beginning of the Bible at the end of Genesis. He was thrown into a pit by his brothers who are jealous of him, and they tried to kill him. Talk about a situation where it might be hard to forgive someone! He was then sold into slavery by his brothers to Ishmaelites. He became ranked in high position for his master, Potiphar, when he was a slave in Egypt. Then his Master, Potiphar’s wife, wanted to sleep with Joseph. He said no, but then she lied and told her husband that Joseph tried to sleep with her. She completely switched the story around. Joseph was then thrown into prison. There, he helped prisoners, all the while God was still with him and continued to bless him there. Unfortunately, one of the prisoners initially forgets about Joseph once he was released. Finally, Pharaoh had a dream that only Joseph could interpret, and the previous prisoner then remembered Joseph and how he would interpret dreams. Joseph was then made ruler of all of Egypt. Joseph ended up saving Egypt because part of pharaohs dream Joseph interpreted foretold of a famine that was coming. Joseph helped to predict seven years of prosperity of crops in Egypt where he helped to build up all the supplies that they would need, so when the famine came, Egypt didn’t collapse. This is what brought his brothers to Egypt for help because Israel also had a famine and food shortage. At first his brothers do not realize it is Joseph who is the ruler of Egypt when they come for help, because they never would have thought in a million years that would happen. Then, Joseph decides to reveal himself.
In Genesis 45:4-5, Joseph is speaking to his brothers who tried to kill him and it reads, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” I love how Joseph’s first response to his brothers is to tell them not to be angry with themselves, to save them of the guilt and shame that I am sure they immediately felt. Genesis 45:8 says “so then it was not you who sent me here but God, he made me Father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and Ruler of all of Egypt.” He recognized even though their intentions were evil, God had a master plan behind the chaos. Even though God did not cause the chaos, He foreknew everything his brothers were going to devise, and was able to make Joseph ruler of all of Egypt, His ultimate will. How incredible! Genesis 45:14-15 says, “Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them.” Then Joseph gave them food and money.
This leaves us with the question, how would you respond to your family in need, who literally tried to kill you and who sold you into slavery? You now have the highest power in all of Egypt, and arguably in the world. Would you have set have said justice is needed, and that his brothers should be killed? Joseph not only forgave his brothers, but He reconciled, loved and embraced them. He fed them. He provided financially for them. He wept over them and he….kissed them! This can only be done through God. Joseph could love and fulfill Christ’s ministry of reconciliation, because he saw God at work in every aspect of his life. Even though his brothers meant it for evil, God used it for good. Joseph was so confident in Who was watching out for Him. He knew that he also had faults and most importantly, he knew that God could heal relationships that seemed impossible to be healed, let alone made new.
Matthew 5:7 says, “Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.” You may be thinking, this all sounds good, but honestly, how do you do it when someone has hurt you? I am not talking about little mess ups. I am talking about the deep cuts of the soul. Hurt that tears you apart and turns your entire life upside down. Matthew 7:1-5 says “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there’s a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” The emphasis will remain on the fact we all have faults that need forgiveness. Every sin you are mad at your brother about, we have committed in some way, shape or form from our own hearts. Behind every sin, you can find pride causing issues in every relationship.
We all want justice and grace to ourselves but not others. We like to think of our intentions and justify what we do, but we only see others actions and assume the worst causing division. We all have pride. Most can admit that we have other sin problems, but it is really hard to admit we have a pride problem resembling pride in and of itself. Pride is, at the core, why people will not admit and accept Christ as their Savior because pride is what deceives us to believe we do not need a savior in the first place. James 2:13 says “because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who’s not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.”
The funny thing is, you cannot even pass judgment on those who are passing judgment. Does that make sense? If you judge someone for passing judgment on you, you are doing the very thing you are upset with them for. Romans 2:1-4 says, “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, are a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” James 4:12 says says “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?”
Now, let’s define judging. This is judging as if you are condemning an individual. God is the judge and we are not to condemn others. However, we are called to judge others in the sense of holding them accountable out of love. Also, it says we are allowed to help our brother with the speck in their eye as long as we remove the plank from our own eyes. Once we humble ourselves to the point of realizing we even have a plank in our own eye, we can then help our brother remove their speck with a little more love and gentleness.
We can disagree with someone and not judge them. We can speak the truth to others without condemnation. One of my favorite pastors Sid Litke said “If someone is falling asleep at the steering wheel in your car, would you “judge them?” Absolutely. For not just your sake, but theirs too because you love them.” Sin is more serious than falling asleep behind the wheel. Zechariah 8:16-17 says, “These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against each other, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this,” declares the Lord. More or less as human beings, it is impossible for us to live our life without constant “judgments.” We judge where we are on the road when we drive. We judge how close we are to a flame during a bonfire. You see where I am going with this? In 1 Corinthians 4:1-5 Paul says “this, then is how you ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time, each will receive their praise from God. Psalm 51:10 talks about how we need to pray God creates in us a clean and pure heart as David requests. As far as condemnation without judging, Paul do not even condemn himself because he knows it is taking God’s authority away from Him, the very source of where it belongs.
Guilt will eat at us when we do wrong, but take comfort in knowing God does not want us to condemn ourselves. Guilt, I like to describe as a medical term such as a symptom. It is a way to know something is wrong in our lives that we should remove. It is good to feel initially, but once we ask God to remove what is causing the guilt, we don’t need to live in it anymore; and He does not want us to!
Most do not want confrontation with others, but there is a way to handle it. Depending on the individual it can be handled differently for each of us. Titus 1:12-14 says the Cretans had to be rebuked sharply (still out of love), because they were “liars, evil brutes and lazy gluttons,” in order to restore them back to Faith and away from myths. 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 says if we chose not to associate with anybody that’s immoral, greedy, idolaters swindlers, sexually immoral, we literally would have to leave the world. He warns more that we are to judge our brothers and sisters in Christ in the sense of protecting them and holding them accountable, where God will handle those in the world as we continue to reach out in love and try to make disciples.
Matthew 18:15-18 gives specific instructions that we should follow. It says, If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church. If they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or tax collector. The guidance is finished by saying “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven. Whatever you lose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” We receive exact instruction on how to handle conflict and confrontation. I love how the initial response is not to gossip about the individual or to go to someone else, but to go directly to the source. Then instead of gossiping to another, go directly to God and pray for them. Your heart will be softened and only He can do that when someone has truly hurt you.
Now the question is, what does forgiveness look like exactly? Matthew 5:40-45 says “And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, “Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous.” When we love our enemies, we are doing the very essence of what God does to us. Before we became a friend of God, our sin made us an enemy to him. Yet, he chose to pursue us to have a personal relationship with us, loving us anyways. God is loving in very nature. It is who He is. We show others who He is when we love them. Hosea 14:4 says “I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them.”
How do we best show people love? By how we show them grace! Luke 6:32-36 says “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful just as your Father is merciful.” We are supposed to be a reflection of our Father who is merciful.
Is God asking us to be complete pushovers here? I would argue absolutely not. Do you understand how powerful it is to love your enemies? Do you understand that the cross was the most powerful act in history? To the world it may look like Jesus was “being a pushover.” Yet, who conquered death three days later? 1 Peter 3:9 says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, on the contrary, repay evil with blessing because to this you were called that you may inherit a blessing.” Praying for your enemies is extremely difficult, but from personal experience, it is so powerful. It leaves you with peace, bringing a love for them that just cannot be explained as it only comes from God, not of ourselves. A genuine love for your enemies is proof God changes hearts.
Luke 22:50-53 says, “And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him. Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour- when darkness reigns.” This was right before Jesus’s crucifixion. Right before the worst death anyone could face, and might I add, face unjustly, Jesus healed the very people trying to arrest him. He is the perfect example of how we are to treat others, even our enemies. Jesus never hurt or attacked anyone, yet they were so offended and threatened by His righteousness and love, to the point of coming at him with weapons.
Exodus 14:14 says, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Did God have the Israelites kill the Egyptians? No. Did God take care of the Israelites when they chased them into the Red Sea? Absolutely. Exodus 34:6-7 says “And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished.” This first makes us excited that he does not leave the guilty unpunished…but what we need to remember is every single one of us is guilty. We get so excited to see justice served for others but not when it’s ourselves. This is why we are to seek God’s justice realizing we deserve it too, and realizing His grace is still far more for us and others.
What a crazy hard balance between justice and grace. If you struggle with this, my advice is to pray about it. Pray God shows you where to lovingly call others out in a way that is humble, yet continuing to realize we deserve the same punishment. Psalm 99:8 says “Lord our God, you answered them; you were to Israel a forgiving God, though you punished their misdeeds.” Psalm 78:21-25 reads “When the Lord heard them, he was furious; his fire broke out against Jacob, and his wrath rose against Israel, for they did not believe in God or trust in his deliverance. Yet he gave a command to the skies above and opened the doors of the heavens; he rained down Manna for the people to eat. He gave them the grain of heaven. Human beings ate the bread of angels. He sent them all the food they could eat.” God has the perfect balance of justice and grace. Psalm 85:1-3 says, “You Lord showed favor to your land; you restored the fortunes of Jacob, you forgave the iniquity of your people and covered all their sins. You set aside all your wrath and turn from your fierce anger.” Psalm 86:5 says, “You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call on you.”
Without Jesus, we are God’s enemy, and God’s wrath remains on our sin. Remember, God created us and He desires you, but because He is holy, meaning He needs to purify us first. This is why He sent himself as his son, as a sacrifice, in our place. God is the best and strongest defense attorney. Lamentations 3:58-59 says, “You Lord took up my case, you redeemed my life, Lord, you have seen the wrong done to me.” I trust Jesus to fight my battles more than myself. As long as I do what He says, I know He will do it on His time. Malachi 2:17 says, “You have wearied the Lord with your words. “How have you wearied him?” you ask. By saying, “All who do evil are good in the eyes of the Lord, and he is pleased with them” or “Where is the God of justice?” God is justified when He does judge. Psalm 96:10 says “He will judge the peoples with equity. Proverbs 17:15 says God detests letting the guilty go unpunished, and condemning the innocent. Deuteronomy 1:17 also says “Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of anyone, for judgment belongs to God. Bring me any case too hard for you, and I will hear it.” Proverbs 24:23-25 says, “These also are sayings of the wise: To show partiality in judging is not good: Whoever says to the guilty, “You are innocent,” will be cursed by peoples and denounced by nations. But it will go well with those who convict the guilty, and rich blessing will come on them.” Ecclesiastes 8:11 says “When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong.”
To summarize, showing grace does not mean pretending the other party that has sinned against you did nothing wrong, as you would be lying to say they didn’t. Sin has consequences to the individual and those involved, whether spiritually or physically, which may include harm to your relationship. It is okay to lovingly point out why you are hurt, and why you feel you are wronged. This is a skill that takes a lot of prayer and practice as to how to approach others in the right timing, but it can be done. Nahum 1:2-3 says “…the Lord takes vengeance on his foes and vents his wrath against his enemies. The Lord is slow to anger but great and power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished.” Jeremiah 50:36 says, “Therefore this is what the Lord says, See, I will defend your cause.” Proverbs 2:8-10 says “for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair-every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.”
When we allow God to be our defense attorney, we are not weak. To the world it may look like we are letting people walk on us, but we are trusting Him. He sees the injustice. We can trust Him who clearly states in His word, He is going to defend the cause. 2 Samuel 22:49-51 says, “You exalted me above my foes; from a violent man you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing the praises of your name. “He gives his king great victories; he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, to David and his descendants forever.”
I want to bring all of this back to Jesus. Can you imagine being whipped, beaten, spit at, abandon and mocked when you are the creator God of the universe and you still have the heart to say as referenced in Luke 23:34 “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they’re doing.” This is our example of forgiveness. It’s our example of taking up a cause of complete justice. This is our God. This is not weakness, but is the definition of strength covered in absolute, unconditional, selfless love that God calls us to have for others. Isaiah 50:6-7 says, “I offered my back to those who beat me, my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard; I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.” No one was less deserving of a death sentence. The perfect lamb who had done no wrong, crucified for what we have done wrong.
I want to continue to emphasize He is being whipped, beaten with a crown of thorns on His head right before he is about to be nailed to a cross to die and he says to forgive them. This is our Savior. He knows forgiveness will free us. This means regardless of how we feel, emphasizing it is a choice. Romans 12:17-21 says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Psalm 133:1 says “how good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” Matthew 5:9 says “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
How many times am I supposed to forgive someone? Don’t worry, as usual, God has the answer covered. Matthew 18:21-22 says “Then Peter came up to Jesus and asked Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sinned against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times.” If someone wrongs you 77 times, should you keep forgiving them? Yes. Get ready for it. Not only should you forgive your persecutor, but you should pray for them! Pray God blesses them. God is not justifying their actions. His point here is we are not the judge. He is. The best place for us to put the situation is in God’s hand hands, who is the perfect judge. Our view is so skewed about what is just, and His view is so perfect. Let me put it this way. If us and others were allowed to judge, I probably might not be here today because someone I have hurt may have wished wrath on me. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Luke 7:36-48 talks about a sinful woman who wept at Jesus’s feet wiping his feet with her hair in tears and kissing them and pouring perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, He would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is. She’s a sinner.” Jesus answered him, “Simon (as in Peter), I have something to tell you.” “Tell me Teacher ,”He said. Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him 500 denarii and the other 15, neither of them had the money to pay him back. So he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more? Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven?” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. “Therefore I tell you her many sins have been forgiven, as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” We can forgive much because we are forgiven much. We can love others unconditionally, even when they wronged us because we know how much we are forgiven, letting love naturally outpour from us.
Being like the Pharisees and acting like you need to be good enough to get to Jesus is exhausting. You may be thinking that this woman had more sins than you can imagine. I really think we tend to be forgetful about our own sins, but the sins of someone else, those always seem to be remembered quite easily. It doesn’t have to be this way guys. We can rejoice like this woman, knowing our many sins that we have committed, since we’ve been little are all wiped clean and so our neighbors.
Usually when we have conflict or we are angry with someone, it can lead us to want to gossip. I can tell you from personal experience that when I gossip, I only become angry with the person filling me with more bitterness. When I pray for the person and instead, and consult others not out of gossip but to seek genuine guidance, it is such a better outcome. Proverbs 11:13 warns and says “a gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” Proverbs 12:22 says “the Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.”
Do I wish that these could have been on my mirror in middle school, high school, college and even now! Gossip is a sin that seems to “innocently” creep into our lives, but is so destructive. We’ve all been hurt by gossip before. The enemy feeds us lies that we either start to believe as truth even when they are not, or you find it okay to share this gossip and lies with others.
Proverbs 13:3 says, “those who guard their lives preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” I try to always picture as if my family member, friend, coworker, spouse, teammate, whoever is standing next to me. I should ask myself if what I am saying is going to benefit them or is it going to hurt them? Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense. But whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Psalm 34:12-14 says “Whoever loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil, and keep your lips from telling lies. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.” Proverbs 4:24-27 says, “Keep your mouth free of perversity, keep corrupt talk from your lips, let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left. Keep your foot from evil.”
I understand there are times we need to seek advice or counsel from others on a situation or about an individual in a relationship. However, I advise you to seek advice from someone who is not going to just be on your side, but also on the side of the individual you are talking about as well. This will keep you both accountable to not gossip, but to truly seek answers. If the person you are talking about ever finds out you were talking about them or seeking advice, they can trust that you are talking to an individual that they trust as well.
Let’s say you’re a couple and you want to seek mentorship from a couple with more experience than you. You want to seek counsel from people that if the person you are in a relationship with finds out you are seeking counsel from these individuals, they will not be hurt, because they understand that the couple you are seeking advice for is also on their side and for your relationship.
How do we receive and give criticism? Even though we should take criticism into account from others in order to make us better, it does not mean that all criticism from others is truth. When criticized, I try to pray and ask God if the criticism is true. I ask Him if I should actually take it into consideration, or if maybe the individual could possibly just be trying to hurt us. Always thank the individual for trying to make you better than pray for discernment, as well as for the heart of the individual who has criticized you. God can use others criticism to make you more like Jesus. When you respond to others it should always be in a way that glorifies God. Psalm 119:42 says, “then I can answer anyone who taunts me for I trust in Your word.” Proverbs 12:16 says fools show their annoyance at once but the prudent overlooking insults.” Proverbs 19:11 says “a person’s wisdom yields patience. It is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” When we try to look past the insults others give us and think of their purpose, insecurity or hurt as the reason they are saying it, it can change our perspective and consequently how we react. It helps us to be more empathetic when it does not seem like we should be.
I have had situations where people have simply tried to give me constructive criticism that may have seemed like an insult at the time. Proverbs 19:20-21 says, “listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end, you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but as the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Being an athlete can give us the perfect example. Think if you never took criticism from your coaches to heart. You would not have grown in your abilities and would never have improved your game. James 3:17-18 says, “but the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all, pure then peace, loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and insincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” If you’re full of God’s peace, it makes it really hard for things to tick you off throughout your day to day lives. Oh, it still happens, but not as often and maybe with a little less “intensity.”
I have the ultimate role model of forgiveness and patience. One time, me, my mom and my brother were about to pull into a parking space and someone cut us off. My mom goes, “that’s okay. God wanted them to have that spot.” Um, what?! Have you ever heard someone say that before? But, I love this about her. How could you be at peace about that? Her response did show me it is possible for me and for you. Peace is not pretending like everything is okay and the world is great. We have peace because we rest in God’s righteousness and justice that it will ultimately prevail, but that His grace and forgiveness still triumphs over all, and is for all of us.
