Thrive In Your Relationships and Marriage
When looking for a spouse, Caleb once said run as fast as you can toward God and if someone is able to keep up, introduce yourself.
“So, God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” -Genesis 1:27-28
Marriages seem to be falling apart left and right. I bet if every couple was completely transparent and honest, the thought of divorce has at least crossed their mind. So, what is the difference? Why do some stay together and others divorce? No one can deny relationships are very challenging, but what produces the joy and bliss in the relationships as well?
Not just in a marriage, but in general it seems people are depending on their spouses, their jobs, their athletic careers, or other achievements in their life for fulfillment, instead of for fulfillment only God can provide. As a little girl, everything I watched whether movies, TV shows or general cultural influence make you feel that you need a soul mate to complete you. Marriage is the most beautiful gift God has given us in a relationship, other than a relationship with Him, and the most important relationship next to His, however marriage was never meant to fulfill you but to be a part of the fulfilling plan and purpose God has for your life. The problem with looking for your spouse to fulfill you is that they are not perfect. They can never fully meet all your expectations. Only God can, so when you have a clear mind of this concept in your marriage, it helps to show your spouse more grace resulting in more enjoyment of your relationship.
To love your spouse better, you need to put God first. “Rebecca, Isaac’s wife, not only offered water to her husband when he asked but also his camels” Genesis 24. This means loving them, as well as those who are important to them or their hobbies that mean a lot to them. It does not mean you need to pretend to like something you truly do not that they love as a hobby, but at least show that you love their interest and are happy it makes them happy.
“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” -1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13
When you move mountains, you will be satisfied for the moment, then it leaves us empty repeatedly. Unless you are in love with and have love from the one who made the mountain and gives you the ability to move it in the first place, you will not find the purpose of life, love. Love is the most important aspect of life, and who is love? God. Who loves your spouse more than you do? God. Who loves you more than your spouse does? God. Who can help you love your spouse the best? God!
One of the qualities of love is patience. How do we acquire patience and keep from being easily angered? Understanding our spouse is not perfect and showing them grace, seeing their side and perspective through empathy. Love is kind. How do we be kind? Understanding how kind God is to us and how much God values your spouse as another one of his children. Love does not envy. It is easy to get jealous of your spouse in many ways, but realizing you are on the same team together helps as well as well as praying for a genuine love and seeing yourself as God sees you. When you see yourself how God sees you, with your exact design and purpose, it helps to not get as envious toward others. Love does not boast or become prideful. It does not try to demean or rise above your spouse, realizing your gifts are from God. Love does not dishonor others, shows respect for others as well as your spouse looking out for their best interest. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Oh, this is tough. Where is the line between forgetting and forgiving? I believe we should never keep a record of wrongs in the sense of condemning our spouse from their mistakes, however you can, out of love, communicate and ask them to work on certain aspects of your relationship and family with you in order to help one another in the downfalls of your relationship. Love rejoices in being truthful and vulnerable with one another. When it is in Christ, it never fails. It always hopes, and always perseveres. Faith and hope are important, but the greatest commandment is love. Love fulfills every single commandment in the Bible, because only by love and through love, the person of Jesus, can we fulfill the purpose in the relationships God has placed on our lives.
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” -Genesis 2:18
“But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man”. The man said, “This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; she shall be call ‘woman,’ fir she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” -Genesis 2:20-23
This gift has instructions from its Maker in order to bring us the most joy. When your marriage glorifies God, it will reach its full potential. When you get married, you literally become one.
Marriage was created to glorify God, to make you each more like Christ. Your marriage will not reach its full potential unless there are three people in it. What Three? Marriage is a team of three!
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” -Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Being an athlete, I naturally can’t help but think of it this way. You chose to pick up your teammates and chose to love them. Think of Christ as the coach. When you are out on the field playing, the coach sees the big picture, what the defense or enemy has in store and maybe can see your teammates in a way you cannot by their work ethic, gifts and talents. When you pray for your spouse, you are going to the direct source that knows them better than anyone and can counsel you in the play to make next.
When Jesus is at the center, it will not fall apart. Not because we do not fall apart, but because He does not. We are called not only to love each other in a marriage, but to cherish. God wants us not only to love everything about the person, but to appreciate. This will take a lot of forgiveness as marriage is two sinners living together, however God is enough to give you the power to cherish something about your spouse each day. You will never agree on everything, that would not be an actual relationship but a robotic partnership. The key is being patient to understand one another when you do not agree and using each other’s disagreements or thoughts to either strengthen your relationship or figure out together the compromise.
You cannot go by how you feel each day. Even the days you do not “feel” love, you must choose it. “Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is always effective.” -James 5:16 When your spouse has hurt you or you have hurt your spouse, apologize. Confess your sin and pray together. When I get really upset if someone has hurt me, the first thing that calms me down is the individual coming to me genuinely apologizing and admitting they were wrong. Remember this when you have wronged someone else too!
“We love because he first loved us.” -1 John 4:19 and Colossians 3:14 There is no falling out of love. Love come from God, who is love Himself. He is always constant. Love is a choice. It represents commitment to someone, even when the feelings come and go. You cannot fall out of love, but you can choose to fall out of love. Don’t get me wrong, there are many amazing feelings which come with loving your spouse which God has granted us but talk to any married couple and they will tell you these feelings are not around all the time. I do not want your relationship to come and go like your feelings do. Always pray for each other, and for your own heart toward your spouse. Think about it. God knows your spouse better than you do and He always will. He knows their deepest desires and struggles. Who better to talk about them with? Many say we’re incompatible. We’re all incompatible. You need to go into your marriage saying we will do anything and everything and will make this work. God will bless you. You cannot go into thinking if this does not work, I will always have a way out. You do not divorce your siblings even when mad at them, parents, etc. you are family. Write what you love about your spouse, it will help you too. Do what they love. Wash each other feet.
Looking for happiness in your marriage? Here it is!
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” -Ephesians 5:21-33
Women, when you submit to your husband, you are submitting to God even if you do not always agree with Him. Remember in your submission, even though your husband is flawed, and He is not perfect, God is and He gives this command for a reason that we may not fully understand as even scripture says this is a mystery, but our heart trusts in the Lord. Husbands, you have a huge responsibly in return. You are to love your lives as Christ loves the church, so much you are willing to put down your life for her. Husbands, you need to understand that when you are married you are one flesh now, meaning when you love your wife, you are benefitting and loving yourself. The ironic thing is if the main motivation to love your wife is out of selfishness for yourself, you will not love her in the same sense. When your motivation is out of love for God and her, only then will it benefit you. Since marriage does not last into eternity according to His word, we find the point of it here and now it supposed to be a beautiful love picture and romantic story of how much God, Jesus, loves the church.
“Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?” Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” -Matthew 22:28-30, Mark 12:23-25 and Luke 20:32- 36
It can be hard to become one when In-laws can make it difficult. In laws can be challenging, but God can use them to be a blessing. I love the story of Ruth, and how she stayed faithful to her mother-in-law Naomi, even though she even became an ex-mother-in-law. “But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God” Ruth 1:16. They had a beautiful relationship, and even though there are many challenges with In-laws, this story can be great to pray over your relationship with them. Try to meet with them and develop a relationship to form the truth, love and respect you desire from them.
As a woman, it is easy to say we do not want to submit or respect as our husbands may not display this quality God calls of them consistently. You’re right. They do not deserve respect, and you do not deserve love. This is the whole point of Jesus. Even though we do not deserve love, grace, forgiveness, Jesus gave it to us anyway out of love. If I only was showed love when I deserved it, I would not be shown love very often. We are to love, submit and respect because God commands us to regardless of the circumstance, just as Jesus gave it all for each of us.
When our spouse is going through a difficult time, the best thing we can do is pray for him or her and forgive which may take prayer in order to do. There will be difficult times and there will be sins you each commit. Can you imagine having a spouse or someone else in general who is continually praying for you? There is no greater power. God has given us free will because without it, we would be robots. He wanted us to choose to love him, and in the same way we need to choose to love our spouse even in their shortcomings. You have the choice to walk away from your spouse, and you always have the choice to stay. I hope you always chose to stay.
You may be thinking, “What if I really messed up? Or my spouse really messed up? God is more powerful than our free will. We have free will, but it is still limited in the power of a Sovereign God ultimately. When we come to him in repentance and want to make things right, you bet he will help us. The God of second chances is our Father! “Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god” Malachi 2:11“Saul died because he was unfaithful to the Lord; he did not keep the word of the Lord and even consulted a medium for guidance and did not inquire of the Lord. So, the Lord put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse.” -1 Chronicles 10:13-14 “…she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” -1 Corinthians 7:39 and Nehemiah 13:26-27 It gives the example of how Solomon was led astray by marrying women who did not have God. When looking for a spouse, God wants us to find someone who has the same faith as we do, because He wants our marriage to thrive and become everything He designed it. As woman we are to submit to our husbands, you will find it easier, not easy as submitting is not a part of our nature, but easier if you find someone you know is after God’s own heart. Next you may be saying, “What is my spouse does not believe and I am married?” “Thy, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.” -1 Peter 3:1-2 Your conduct and prayers for your spouse are not wasted. God loves your spouse more than you do and loves you more than you know. He hears, he knows, keep praying.
2 Samuel 11:4 is the dreaded story where David sleeps with Bathsheba the wife of Uriah the Hittite and then in 2 Samuel 11:15, 2 Samuel 11:62 Samuel 11:17 David realizes that Uriah he will not sleep with his wife upon his return because of the guilt he felt while his fellow soldiers were still out at war, David then puts Uriah in the front line to die. 2 Samuel 11:26-27 tells us how Bathsheba mourned for her husband and then married David. However, what David did displeased the Lord. In 2 Samuel 12:11-18, Nathan comes to tell David that God is bringing calamity on him, and David admits he has sinned against the Lord. Nathan says the Lord is taking away his sin, but the consequence of the contempt he has shown for God by his sin is the death of his son born from Bathsheba. “Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshipped.” -2 Samuel 12:20 I truly believe David’s repentance after he had the affair is what makes David truly a man after God’s own heart. The repentance is the difference as he is human, just like all of us.
““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” -Matthew 5:27-30
We all have wandering minds and disagreements in our marriage. These will be inevitable. We need to be careful to take control of our minds, especially when upset with our spouse. The second Satan tempts you with interests in others outside of your marriage, stop right there. Temptation is inevitable, but your response to temptation is in your control. The Holy Spirit gives us the power to overcome. Sin, adultery, and unfaithfulness start in the mind. This means self-talk to focus on your spouse, prayer, and date night. Marriage takes this kind of work, but it is good work which God offers a reward for. Never believe the lies that you married the wrong person or that there is someone better out there. Once you are married, God is saying you have made the vow not only to them, but to Him. You need to keep it. God loves you and your spouse so much; He treasures your marriage and is on your side to make it flourish. Come to Him.
“Wisdom will save you from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God.” -Proverbs 2:16-17. “Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house.” -Proverbs 5:8 Adultery usually starts because you think it is a casual or meaningless flirt, like, text or gesture. God is clear do not go near the door or even let the thoughts in because it is so easy to get entrapped and snared. “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” -Proverbs 5:18-19 “For lack of discipline they will die, led astray by their own great folly.” -Proverbs 5:23
“Listen to your parents. Bind their teachings on your heart, so they will guide you and speak to you, providing light like a lamp. Correction and instruction are the way to life. Keep from your neighbor’s wife, from smooth talk and away from lust. An affair will ruin your very life. It is impossible to scoop fire on your lap without getting burned, in the same way, if you sleep with another man’s wife it is impossible for you to go unpunished.” -Proverbs 6:20-29, Proverbs 5:3-4, Proverbs 7:5 and Proverbs 7:22-25
It is impossible to have an affair and not have side effects spiritually for yourself. I tell you this out of love, not judgment as I want to keep you from getting burned.
“No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” 10 And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.” -Genesis 39:9-10
Joseph literally fled when Potiphar’s wife was tempting him. Temptation is inevitable in life, but if you flee or not is up to you.
“But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” -1 Corinthians 7:2-5 and Song of Songs 3:1
God encourages all married couples to not deprive one another and to stay active in your sex life. He specifically says if you are not, you are giving the enemy the opportunity to tempt one of you. The only time is when you are both in mutual agreement to refrain for a temporary amount of time in order to pray. I cannot emphasize enough how God create sex, and it is a very good thing in a marriage.
“The Lord said to me, ‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.’ So, I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.” -Hosea 3:1-3
“Then she will say, “I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.” -Hosea 2:7 (Hosea to his wife Gomer as well as God to Israel). God continued to fight and show His love toward Israel even when they were having an “affair” with other gods or countries. Even though the Bible does state you are allowed to leave your marriage if you partner has had an affair, with God there is always an option for reconciliation and forgiveness. The process will be hard and painful, but it is possible. Divorce is also hard and painful too, regardless the reason.
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. 7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.” -1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” -Hebrews 13:4. What gets dangerous when we think about love being a feeling is this is what often leads to adultery. Who is to say adultery is wrong if it is justified by the “love” feeling with the one they are cheating with? Adultery is wrong as specifically spoken by God. God knows you better than you know yourself and wants your marriage to thrive! “Does not he who guards your life know it?” -Proverbs 24:12 He designed the marriage you are in just for you, and He wants you to make the most of it. He is there to help. I truly believe the person you marry God hand-picked just for you, but once you are married God has given you the responsibility to take care of his child, your spouse. God does not talk about soul mates in the Bible, but even better than that, he talks about how to have a great marriage. Jesus is our soul mate, and heaven is our perfect place. He tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. A love where Jesus died for the church! He commands wives to respect their husbands. Both require selflessness. Trust me, I always want to be the leader and submitting is something I constantly must make an effort to do. When God talks about submission, this is not to be frowned upon as women giving up their rights or their best as many view it. God designed the woman to submit to the husband who is a servant leader, guiding her and loving her as much as he would die for her. He is not placing more value on one more than the other, simply different roles.
“They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” -1 Peter 3:6-7
God created sex between one man and one woman from the time they are married for the rest of their lives. God is not keeping us from the pleasures of sex because of this rule, he is saving us as he wants to protect your heart because he knows how intimate having sex is and that it is more than just physical but a spiritual experience as well. He knows the impact such intimacy has on our hearts. He knows we will be happiest being only with one individual, and even better studies show how much better the sex is. He knows the rewards spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally it will have on us. Think about it again, He created it for us. Who else would know better? You might think you know you are eventually going to marry this person, thus making premarital sex ok. You do not know who God has planned for you, and even if you do end up marrying this person, God considers sex a sin outside of a covenant with Him. He wants to protect you. He does not want the individual leaving you and wants you to be in this covenant because you are so precious. It is the hardest, let me repeat, the hardest struggle waiting until you are married. I cannot stress this enough. However, God promises great reward when we do. Now if you already have had sex before marriage, God does not want you to live in shame. You are so loved, and God loves to redeem. From here going forward, I encourage you to wait until marriage for your own heart’s sake.
I know people argue sex is our instinct. Well, so is eating. What if we indulged in food every single time we have a craving? There is a purpose behind the self-control that is for our own benefit. God created sex and Christians celebrate it for what it was created. I can see as a parent it might be hard to address with your kids, but as far as I’ve witnessed, if people are quiet about it, it can be perverted and if people blatantly just show kids it, it can be perverted. I think there is a way to truthful talk about it. C.S Lewis addresses how in psychology, they talk about “repression” and that to “repress” our sexual desires is “dangerous.” He points out “repress” does not mean suppressed or complete denial. He states that hen an individual is actively regressing this desire in waits for something greater, committing to one person, we are actual that much more aware of how strong this desire is. Sex is a beautiful act designed by God, but in it of itself will not fulfill you.
The marriage I look up to the most is my parents of 35 years. Their advice is to find a spouse who loves God more than you, put yourself before your spouse, find a spouse who supports your passions, being grateful for each other each day, even if some days are harder to find qualities to be grateful for, always talk positively about your spouse to your kids, pray for each other and forgiveness. Only in loving God more than your spouse, can you love your spouse more than you can ever imagine or do on your own. I admired how my mom would thank you dad for being a leader in our home. She thanked him for making Jesus a priority and living by example. Dad would thank Mom for accepting him as he is and would say how he is looking forward to growing closer to God the rest of their lives together. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love takes God, persistence and prayer. Being in love is an incredible feeling, but it is still a feeling.
Ask most married couples and the ones who are honest with you will not say they feel that exact same feeling every day for 20 or more years, heck I’d even argue those married a couple years. Do not base off what you see of your friends’ marriages, and this includes strangers you see on social media True love is a choice, not a feeling. What happens is people get married, and once that “in love” feeling goes away, they assume they married the “wrong” person. Same with the thrills people seek in life. All temporary. It does not mean where they travel to and who they marry is not a beautiful thing, just that you cannot base all your decisions off feelings. This is where the word of God is so important because when it is your foundation, you will stay married even if the feeling is not there.
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” -Proverbs 12:4 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” -Proverbs 18:22 “A quarrelsome and nagging wife is compared to the constant dripping of a roof and God says it is better to live in a desert or in the corner of a roof than to share a house with one.” -Proverbs 19:13, Proverbs 27:15, Proverbs 21:9, Proverbs 25:24 and Proverbs 21:19. God has such a sense of humor, I love it. In relationships, I cannot stand my nagging voice! It drives me nuts; I cannot even imagine how it has affected others. I understand how tempting it is to nag, I mean come on, can they not get it right?!
How do they not see what they are doing wrong?! God has included this in His Word because nagging will not change the situation, them or their heart. Pray God changes you and your spouse instead of nagging, and try to have a conversation, watching your tone, speak out of love.
“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” -Proverbs 19:14
“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate” Proverbs 31:10-31 and Ruth 3:11.
You are capable. The Proverbs 31 woman should be our goals, knowing even though we will fail, with the help of God we can be trustworthy so others can have confidence in us, self-controlled, have genuine love and providing for our spouses, families and others to bring them good, supplying food, working hard whether at home or at jobs, staying strong to complete our physical tasks, full of wisdom from the word and remaining faithful. All these qualities can be acquired when we fear the Lord. “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce.” -Jeremiah 29:5 and Jeremiah 29:28
For those who may think being romantic is worldly or not in the Bible, you have not read the book Song of Songs! God loves romanticism and has designed it between a man and woman. Marriage is the example of how much Jesus loves the church, to give His life for her. I do not think it gets more romantic than that. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth- for your love is more delightful than wine.” -Song of Songs1:2 and Ezekiel 24:16 God loves the physical touch of being romantic. “…when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go.” -Song of Songs 3:4 “Place me like a seal over your heart.” -Song of Songs 8:6 God loves the commitment in being romantic. “You are altogether beautiful…there is no flaw in you.” -Song of Songs 4:7 God loves the admiration of the outer and inner beauty.
“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice! Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.” -Song of Songs 4:9-11 and Song of Songs 7:6
God loves when people are so in love, they are focused on each other and not the temporary going on around them. “…my heart began to pound for him.” -Song of Songs 5:4 and Song of Songs 5:16. God loves the butterflies. Song of Songs 7:10-12 talks about going on a date to the countryside, to the village in the vineyards to see the flowers! God loves date nights and date days!
“Another thing you should do: Flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” – Malachi 2:13-16
God loves you if you are divorced, just like He loves any of us and does not want you to live in guilt. He warns against divorce because He knows it causes “violence” where He wants there to be love. It is for your protection God commands to not get divorced. I want to be real here. I bet if you asked anyone who is married if they have thought about divorce and they say “no”, I bet they aren’t being honest. There is no way two sinners can live together and divorce not at least cross your mind. This is where spiritual warfare is significant, in the mind. I think it is unrealistic for me to ask you not to be tempted by divorce as all are; however, when the thought enters your mind, I encourage you to do something about it and the way you think about your spouse. A tactic I use with my patients when they complain about their spouse is to acknowledge that the complaint may be real and valid, but instead of complaining turn it around with something positive about their spouse and why they married them in the first place. The mind is powerful and can help recreate those “feelings” of love people long for when they first fell in love or got married. Reminder, God loves romanticism! Pray. He can bring it back into your marriage. If your marriage is struggling, pray for your spouse. You cannot change their thoughts, but God can. God wants your marriage to work more than anyone, and cares about you, your spouse, and your marriage more than anyone. God cares about you more than you know. He cares about your intimacy, hurts with you and wants to help. Give it all to Him.
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” -1 Corinthians 7:10-13
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” -Matthew 5:31-32, Luke 16:18 When Jesus was asked if it is lawful to get a divorce, Jesus responded saying in the beginning the Creator made them male and female, to leave their father and mother and the two will be united as one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let no man separate. The Pharisees then asked why Moses allowed it. Jesus replied, “because our hearts are so hardened even though it is not supposed to be this way.” Jesus says “if anyone divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another woman, he commits adultery,” -Matthew 19:2-9, Mark 10:2-12 When you divorce, you are physically pulling apart one flesh. The reason God does not want you to get divorced is because He knows the serious emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual effects on you. Marriage is the only time in the Bible we are making a specific vow to God and the vow to God should be our motivator, especially when you have struggles with your spouse because, ask anyone, struggles will happen. “When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it.” – Ecclesiastes 5:4
If you are reading this and already divorced or have had sex before marriage, this is not to make you feel guilty. This can mean remarrying your ex- wife or husband if they are not already remarried. If this is not an option, look to your next marriage to love in this way. This is only to guide you from here on out, showing you God’s purpose for marriage and sex. God is all about grace and second chances if you haven’t been able to tell so far! You are just as loved by God as anyone else. This is not to condone sin, but despite all our sin, every single human being, His grace is a gift!
“Or do you not know wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the green nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” -1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and Deuteronomy 22:5.
If you struggle with any of these desires, here God is saying he is giving you the ability to change.
“The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the
Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.” -1 Corinthians 6:13-20
Our life is not our own. We deserve the worst, and God still blesses us. When we have this mentality, which is truth, it helps you have a different perspective of how good God is to us and more peace of His control. If we are not our own, someone needs to take responsibly for us, and God is ready to do just that. The only catch is He does not force us, and is not responsible for our bad decisions, as we make those our of our sinful nature. However, when you trust in Him and have a personal relationship with Him, He does promise to use your hurt and wrong decision for His good and glory. Are you ready to give your life to Him?
“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the
A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; 9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” -1 Corinthians 11:7-9
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.” -Colossians 3:18-22
“I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes,10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then
Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15 But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” -1 Timothy 2:9-15
Part of the curse from the fall is women will now desire to rule over their husbands, but he will rule over her according to Genesis 3:16. Before the fall, Eve loved to let Adam rule over her. Submission can be a scary word when we do not understand what it means. I love how my friend Anya Meeks puts it who has 20 years of experience. She says “Jesus is my Savior, and I believe all of God’s word to be true. I have learned that what He says about marriage is perfect and true. Submission to my husband is His best for me since the moment I said, “I do.” I believe submission to my husband is humbly accepting the headship, leadership, and protection he has over me. A dying to myself because I am now one with another. Yet, still living with and using the strengths and gifts God has given uniquely to me. When I use them best, they benefit my husband, children, and those around me, but I cannot use them dependently and only try to “run” with my gifts independently, it can be a disaster and never how God intended it! When I think I know better, I usually ask the Lord to show me through the wisdom of my husband, if I am thinking properly. God made this world with an order and when we function in that order it runs smoothly! Therefore, it is important for me to constantly life up my husband in prayer for His relationship with God to be at its best. If he has a beautiful union with our Savior, he will lead me well. In moments or relationships where God is not part of the husband’s life, I encourage woman to pray and ask God for strength to follow even when things aren’t done perfectly. We then must trust God and His sovereignty with our loved ones.” Even in submission, your opinion does matter! You can talk and discuss with your husband how you feel and important decisions within the family, absolutely! God wants you apart of the process. Trust your husband has your best interest in mind, and if you feel they do not you trust God has your best interest in mind even if you do not necessarily agree with the decision. It is just understanding that if he is not asking you to sin or go against God, he has the final decision. Even if you may disagree, this is where we need to trust God and His sovereignty that he has the order he does for a reason. I can tell you that our instinct since the fall is to rebel and want to be the leader, to take control of our husbands, but you will be shocked how much happier you, and your marriage will be when you submit. It makes it easier for men to love you and appreciate you when you serve with joy, you will not regret it. Ultimately, we are all children of God, and He is our Father. He designed the order, and He loves us more than we can imagine. We can trust Him! “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12 For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.” -1 Corinthians 11:11-12
Many will say they need to feel appreciated. That is not a biblical concept other than finding fulfillment and reward in what you are doing for the Lord. Do not get me wrong, one of the best feelings in the world is feeling appreciated, but even if you do not, sometimes it does not even mean your spouse is not appreciating you but could mean your feelings are not aligned with truth which happens often in all of our lives. I would just hate to see you end a marriage because you do not feel appreciated, when it may be you are putting your contentment in the wrong area. “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing one another in love.” -Ephesians 4:1-2
